Apparently, and according to recent research, 40% of people (who are legally old enough to do it) have sex 1-3 times a week, and on average it lasts between 15-30 minutes. But what the research didn’t identify, was the number of cyclists in the sample group of people. Hmmmmm…..This is a shame, because it would be useful to correlate those statistics with say, the frequency of bike washing carried out by the people in the same sample group. In addition, how long is the average time taken to wash a bike to a point of satisfaction? For clarity, when I use the term bike washing, I mean proper bike washing and not just moving the dirt around by waving your hosepipe around. No sir/madam. Proper bike washing gets into all the cracks and includes the use of special lubricants and oils, which is also probably noted in the sex survey.

Whilst we’re on the subject of washing bikes, have you ever ridden so fast that you’ve got bugs stuck to your bike due to super-fast riding (this does not include having the bike on the roof rack)?  These are the dead bugs that you get on a car or motorbike in summer. I did once and they take some scrubbing off, but the worst stuff to get off in my experience, or alternatively, the stuff that sticks forever best to a bike is, sheep shit.

I have some experience in trying to remove sheep shit from my bike, and as it takes some scrubbing, there are some precautions that you should take. Firstly, wear some rubber gloves because the stuff seriously gets under your nails and if you then watch a very exciting race and end up biting your nails, its not going to taste great and will no doubt require copious amounts of mouthwash. Personally, to get it off, I use some amazing pink stuff (Muc-Off) as its the best in my experience for removing sheep shit as well as getting the muck off, and bugs off.

So, here’s a question to ponder. Should we start monitoring and analysing even more stuff than we already do on our smartphones and bike computers? Like bike washing for example? It might increase your competitive advantage. But wait, there’s another thing that hasn’t been compared between the sex survey and bike washing, and that is: do couples wash their bikes together, and how long does it take to reach collective-bike-clean-satisfaction? The sex survey also didn’t articulate what music people ‘do it to’ either. It’s obviously personal taste, and for me, I think any song by The Strypes provides the right rhythm, energy and beat for a bloody good wash’n’roll bike washing session.

FYI – The magic pink stuff I use to get muck off is also used to clean down Bessie-the-tractor when she’s got really dirty as well. In addition, although not wholly connected, this year, I have been mostly washing my cycling kit at 40 degrees.

All photos by the author

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